So I haven’t posted yet about all that’s been going on to give my family some time. It’s been a difficult past month and a little...my goal today is to share honestly and openly about where I’m at with life at the moment.
In November...Thanksgiving day I found out my parents were going to be filing for divorce. While I had thought about it over the years when things were tough for them...when it really happened it was kind of like a gut punch. I was pretty shocked and felt a rush of emotions. I’m still processing those but mainly I’ve dealt with a lot of anger. To all my therapist friends yes...I know anger is a secondary emotion...I have been working on processing this anger and realizing where it’s coming from. It’s not easy to see your parents after 40 years split everything up and be going their separate ways.
About a week later I learned of a dear friend and supporter had past away. She had a very short battle with cancer before it took her life. I wasn’t able to be there for the funeral. Three days before she died I had asked if we could get together when I was back in the states figuring it would be my last...but we didn’t get that. It still seems so surreal. She is someone I’m going to miss when traveling home and talking about missions with. My first trip to Poland she was a true supporter in every sense of the word. She sent me packages when I was abroad and let me live with her and her family when I was back in the states, she offered her home in the mountains as a brief get away. She had a true passion for serving God and missions. I learned so much from her and I will truly miss her.
With all of that going on, I prepared to head “home” to Colorado mid-December. It was a lot of work preparing lessons before I left but I really just had to get on those flights and get home. It was a rocky travel time. I’m writing now sitting in Paris on the last leg of my journey back to Poland. It’s been WAY easier this time. :)
Going back to Colorado was emotional. Everything just felt weird. Not necessarily being back but just what to make of everything. I worked hard to see as many people as possible. I was sick part of the time and really tried to make a priority of my time with my family. I am truly sorry if I didn’t get to stop in and spend time with you.
Christmas was interesting. For one our family doesn’t ever get together on the actual day anymore. We typically would get together after or before the 25th. This left me with the opportunity to spend the holiday with one of my best friends and her family. This year my family got together on the 25th so it ended up that I didn’t go anywhere else. With tensions slightly higher since the news of the divorce, getting us all together was a little anxiety producing for me. I think for others as well. The day went by fairly uneventful...but weird. Not our normal family time and not our normal Christmas feels. Once it was done I was a little deflated. All this build up and then it was over. All I could do for the next day was just hang out in bed and at home with my mom. While I was ever aware of my emotions….they were exhausting!! I’m really thankful for my family to be able to share my thoughts with. This time has been crazy and yet we’ve been able to make time for each other to stop and check in with where everyone is at and how we are processing stuff. While my family is still my family this experience has taught me to value my family in different ways. I think people enjoy having their families have traditions and to be consistent…right? We all want that similar feeling…may not always be good but it’s familiar and you know what to expect. It’s hard when things change and you have to adjust to life’s curve balls. I have to admit…being here in Poland is a lot easier to process my emotions. I get to step away and process just me individually. It can be overwhelming being there in the midst of it all. There were lots of things I wanted to say at times but that I didn’t say and I’m thankful I didn’t say that at this time. :) While I’m happy to be back in Poland it is a little difficult to have left when I did and to not be going back for 6 months straight. But for Poland’s sake I think it’s been to stay that long without a trip.
On Christmas Eve I was able to spend some time with two families that I used to work with at Bridge. They asked me to come for a meal with them. It was amazing of course! I wish I had taken a picture of the feast!! The men weren’t home so it was me with the women and kids. They cooked a lavish meal with chicken and lamb and rice and some great salads. I was stuffed! We all sat around on the floor eating and laughing and to top it off we ended with tea...I know tea!! This tea isn’t like your normal tea so I like it. :) I then went over report cards with the moms and kids. Then I helped one of the kids with their homework and then we played around. This time meant so much to me. I’ve been gone for months and to come back and they welcomed me into their houses once again meant the world to me. I didn’t get to see them again before I left and I was supposed to. Packing and family time had to take the priority. It was a reminder that the work we do means so much!! It’s not just about teaching but really building and loving the people and kids we work with as teachers. We share our lives together. What better example of love and what Christ wants us to do…share in community with each other. Walls down and just being together. As my pastor would say “I’m not anyone’s Holy spirit,” I just want to be there to love them and be a vessel for God.
As my trip ended I was emotionally spent. Constantly thinking about how things were making me feel and why I was feeling what I was feeling. Plus, living in the house while my parents were splitting things up and packing my own stuff was enough fun for the trip. Now I sit in Paris processing the trip. While it was a good one and I’m glad I came back for the two weeks I’m also glad I’m heading back to Poland.I’ve learned that we also need to fight for things in life. While it’s exhausting and tiring and we want typically want the easy way out fighting for important things is never easy.
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