More thoughts from this week

"A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships were built for."

I am shocked to see how much last weekend and this week has stirred so many different thoughts and emotions in me. On Sunday I had a conversation with a guy from Colorado and California. We were discussing what I was doing here and how long I had been here and was going to be here. I explained that I recently have decided to stay another year. And the guy from California asked me what my thought process was behind staying and not moving on. This isn't a new question for me to answer it is something I have thought through a lot lately while thinking about staying or going.

I explained to him that I know that God will use me wherever I am but that I learning a lot of things here and I don't feel like I am ready to move. I know God is working through some of my attitudes and approaches to things (not that they are bad but just improving them). I have never worked in ministry and this is an important thing to learn to work in. I didn't get to finish and explain that I can't exactly explain the molding and shaping that God is doing in my life right now. I feel it and I know he is doing some big stuff in me right now but I can't exactly put it into words. I am not done with this right now. I know God will continue to mold and shape me over the years but I can't take the bigger steps until I know that I have learned what I can in this time. Does this make sense? I have been trying to put this into words for a while and this is the first time I am doing so.

Tonight things became a little clearer. I was just sitting here reading my homework for my EWI course and suddenly there was an article about missionaries in general not just among muslims which the course is geared towards. I feel like God is really challenging me to evaluate how I look at things, my attitudes, how I do everyday things. When I get frustrated with people here lately I have been stopping and thinking about how to react in these situations and if the attitude I have is something that God would want me to have in this situation or if I need to deal with my feelings and move on. This isn't my first instinct and so it has been challenging. There was a quote in the book that said "your single most important area in your ministry will be the realm attitudes. It is here you will either succeed or fail as a missionary." I am learning what it looks like and means to be a missionary and so because of that I don't feel I am ready to take the next step forward. The next step is a big one, I am excited for the future BUT I know that there are somethings that just have to be put into place, or changed before I will be ready and a lot of it is my heart and working through habits I've had. It sounds funny but I really feel like it's like God massaging my heart and working out these kinks and knots.

The last things that were in the article that were big for me was asking what our intentions are. As missionaries we give...even in ministry back home...we give. But he asked in the article "has giving become a professional obligation?"

I am learning what God has made me to be and do whether it's easy or not.